Hazy Thoughts Of A Weary Mom

I'm tired.
It's spring. New life makes me feel like death.

I'm tired.
My 15 month old still does not sleep.
"Just let her cry" they say.
No. No I won't, and that's ok.
I can still be annoyed and I can still hope she somehow figures out how to sleep. Until then I will continue to feel silly as I lift my exhaustion up in prayer while other people have real problems.

I am so tired.
I need a vacation but I don't want to miss anything. I want a vacation but I don't want to have to trust anyone else because that in and of itself, is exhausting. I need to rest. But I can't.
I can not rest.

How can something requiring you to be so soft and nurturing, be so hard? 

That's motherhood.
Soft and Hard.
Dying to self while nurturing growth.
Navigating loneliness while surrounded by people.

It's black, white and gray. There is ample room to find your fit as a mother, but the fit is snug. Once you find it, you know that is where you need to be. Once you find it, you are locked in as an integral piece in the puzzle of your family. They are incomplete without you. They need you.

If this is nonsensical to you, don't worry. I'm writing this for myself. My mind produces opaque half-thoughts and half-truths more than half of the time. Definitively obscure. Through that sleep deprived obscurity, I am struggling with how to see the life I am creating for my family.

I am sowing seeds in the early morning mist, hoping they take root but not able to see the growth. I can see the potential once the fog lifts for a moment, but squinting my eyes through the haze has a way of making me even more exhausted, more unsure of where I was than when I first determined to see. I need the light. Not the one I try to manufacture myself, but the light through which, as C.S Lewis famously stated, everything else can be seen.

Thankfully, my feelings do not dictate what is true.
Thankfully, truth exists outside of me and does not depend on me.
Thankfully, as I try to cultivate their growth, my own will come because He is faithful to finish what He graciously begins.

There is beauty in the haze

The light will shine 

Warmth felt

The fog will lift

Rest will come

And growth is seen through it all