The Potty-Training Learning Process

     Well, it's that time again. Potty training time. I say that with about as much excitement as I do about going to the dentist. We are potty training our almost-three-year-old boy. He is showing all of the readiness signs, and has pee-peed in the potty a handful of times, and according to all of the online quiz things he is ready. I took like 15 different ones *just* to be sure.

     Please tell me I am not alone. Potty-training prep has become chaos.You take the quizzes and read the articles and fill your amazon shopping cart up with ways to train your child in a day, and movies starring Elmo and books that make flushing noises. You fill your mason jar full of skittles and put it on the bathroom shelf.(Only give 1 for pee-pee and 2 for poo... be careful because you don't want to promote childhood obesity) If you are feeling really creative, you may even make a chart and get fun stamps and maybe a prize chest or whatever else people say you should bribe your child with. 

     But something I have learned through potty-training my older son, and rounds 1-3 of training my middle son is this: you can't make a child want to use the potty full time. So really, it's not even about if he/she is "ready"... it is if he/she is ready and willing. They don't really tell you this. They don't tell you that the incentives and prizes and stuff may not be enough to convince your child that it is fun. Your child may see right through the hooplah and he/she may not like what they see.

     Because they don't tell you this, you may expect things to come together quite nicely. You could be one of those ladies who have their kid trained at 18 months, or who train their kids in a weekend or by the end of breakfast time or whatever. If that's you, great. I'm jealous. But seriously, good for you. I'm still jealous. 

     Hey we all have hidden talents. I'd like to believe I am a really good harpist who has yet to pick up a harp, or maybe a phenomenal skier. So maybe you are a great potty-trainer, who did not discover their talents until successfully training your toddler in 3 hours. You should go write a blog or book about your success.

     Or maybe, just maybe you will be like me and end up in the bathroom 85% of your day singing potty songs you made up yourself and watching your son sit on the potty crossing his legs to prevent any pee-pee from escaping his little body.

     And then, after a week of this and senseless "accidents" (it's no accident that they keep happening within 30 seconds of walking out of the bathroom) you give up. Because it is not worth the effort. He can do it, but he doesn't want to. Even after all the hooplah.

     Is there anything more frustrating as a mother than that? Than knowing you have a completely brilliant and capable child who refuses to do what you would like him to do? I can't think of anything. 

     Yeah yeah yeah, I can hear you from here thinking, "He got what he wanted, he wanted to be back in diapers and it worked! You should have stuck to your guns!" To that I say, when you want to come to my house and follow my toddler around cleaning up his accidents constantly while mothering 2 other children (who cannot afford for you to be in the bathroom most of the day every day) then you can tell me how to do what I do.

Here's the thing though.

I have learned a few big things about my Lukie though through this process.

•  #1, He cannot and will not go if you are in the bathroom with him. I don't know if this is an anxiety issue or an independence issue, but he needs to be by himself.
• #2, He does not like a big celebration, a hug and a quiet "I am proud of you, great job!" does quite well for him. So the whole "skittles for pee-pee, potty-dance, big celebration" approach was not effective. At all. It scared him almost to the point of tears.
• #3 Incentives do not work for him, but he does love to pick out his own undies. 

So I guess this is what I wish someone would have told me about potty training. Contrary to all of the books, blogs, dvds, ect... there is no secret formula.  Do not be hard on yourself if your child isn't picking it up like the ones in the blogs did. What are you doing wrong? Nothing! They are different moms, and they have different kids. Everyone is different, so comparing the success of one child to another is completely pointless. Falling in to that pattern of comparison won't do anything except either give you a false sense of pride, or a false sense of failure/inadequacy. Do not fall in to that trap, because both ends of that rope are damaging.

Your kid will get it eventually. In my very humble opinion (because, I kind of have no idea what I am doing either), if you are letting it get you frustrated, it's time to take a break. I don't think the whole potty thing should be full of pressure. It should be fun. As fun as peeing and pooping can actually realistically be.

I always thought throwing a party every single time was a bit outrageous. When do you stop with the parties? When do you stop with the skittles? When they stop asking? My kids would never stop asking for skittles if we used that method. haha!

Anyway, we have stayed dry all morning, and Luke even went to the potty on his own without me prompting him which is a sign of great progress! I hope this is it but I am mentally prepared to start again in a month or so. And I am not going to let this process frustrate me the way it has in the past. If it's time, it's time. If it's not, it's not. And either is OK.